LAST DAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYY

I went to school today completely gorgeous. I felt like a million dollars, or a million and a half JD's, and who knows how many Syrian lira?

Took my written test at the same table that I took the placement test what feels like years ago. Except this time, I knew how to read.

True, I didn't know a very large percentage of the words, but I totally read it, and understood the general structure of things. YESSSSS!!!

Man, I dunno. Something...my personality? My silliness? I just am very very very outgoing. I don't know if it's sometimes a curse; usually I see it as something very positive in my life. Today it was, it gave me the ability to gather all of the people in the Language Center and have us take a picture together.

Omar and Hala, my teachers
Nagihan, Aisha, Jahid, Bara, Me - Level III'ers
Pina, Ali, and Saed Ahmed - Level I'ers

It was really good.

Then I said goodbye to Ayhem, and met with Malek for the last time.

Which was really painful, I'm not going to lie. All the DTR-ing (Defining The Relationship-ing) we've done this last week has really made me want to vomit. It's so unsatisfying. I just want to scream.

Later, when I got home, I listened to a tape that I recorded a few weeks ago. The part with his voice was less than a minute long, and the interview made little to no sense because I cut out my questions and then turned it back on again and again and again, but it was probably a very bad decision to listen to this tape. Just hearing his voice talk to me like that - it was so happy. These past few days, talking to him has been like talking to someone else. Today, I realized that even were I to beg for him to be back with me, it wouldn't happen because it hurt him too deeply. He's just trying to go back to living a normal life.

So I sit here and feel like I'm breaking up with everybody and everything, so totally and utterly alone. I'm dying to talk to him, but have to stay away. This is seriously the hardest thing I've ever done in my whole life. I feel like a jerk, love seems really far away, and I feel like I've been stripped of all my hopes and dreams.

Of course I have other ones, but they are so unclear!!!!!!!

I just need to focus on keeping the commandments for right now. Stop looking ahead to the freaking future.

I've been relying a lot on my Arab sisters. These girls will always remain my friends, throughout my life. I love them deeply.

Tomorrow is my last Sabbath!!!