Luck?

Why was I born in America?

What gives some people the right to be born into great families, what gives others the right to come from a high socio-economic status - how am I any better than the housemaid girl at Aunt Saba7's house?

I feel so jealous that I wasn't born a Hammouri.

It's so complicated. It's not like I would give up being a Vasicek, or having my family. But at the same time there are things about this family that are so incredibly wonderful, and fantastic, and filling, and GOOD - my heart is full of jealousy and pain and sadness and howling. Why couldn't I have been born into this wonderful society? Why am I American?

At the same time, I love my Americaness. I can't tell you how complicated all of these thoughts are in my head right now.

The people here love each other so much. I wasn't a Hammouri, but living here for three months has really taught me a lot of things about love and the things that matter. Every day I felt the love these people have for their family.

Why can't I have this love, too? My family loves each other, but sometimes it's just not as obvious as here. We aren't as close. We care about material things more than each other, and I'm not talking on a Vasicek level; in general, Americans don't seem to care very much about each other. How can I return to a place like that after having lived in a place like this? How can I build a family culture that is more Arab than American, especially if I am going to be LIVING in America? My mind is so tied up.

I just feel so completely torn. When I leave, where will my country be?