LAST DAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYY

I went to school today completely gorgeous. I felt like a million dollars, or a million and a half JD's, and who knows how many Syrian lira?

Took my written test at the same table that I took the placement test what feels like years ago. Except this time, I knew how to read.

True, I didn't know a very large percentage of the words, but I totally read it, and understood the general structure of things. YESSSSS!!!

Man, I dunno. Something...my personality? My silliness? I just am very very very outgoing. I don't know if it's sometimes a curse; usually I see it as something very positive in my life. Today it was, it gave me the ability to gather all of the people in the Language Center and have us take a picture together.

Omar and Hala, my teachers
Nagihan, Aisha, Jahid, Bara, Me - Level III'ers
Pina, Ali, and Saed Ahmed - Level I'ers

It was really good.

Then I said goodbye to Ayhem, and met with Malek for the last time.

Which was really painful, I'm not going to lie. All the DTR-ing (Defining The Relationship-ing) we've done this last week has really made me want to vomit. It's so unsatisfying. I just want to scream.

Later, when I got home, I listened to a tape that I recorded a few weeks ago. The part with his voice was less than a minute long, and the interview made little to no sense because I cut out my questions and then turned it back on again and again and again, but it was probably a very bad decision to listen to this tape. Just hearing his voice talk to me like that - it was so happy. These past few days, talking to him has been like talking to someone else. Today, I realized that even were I to beg for him to be back with me, it wouldn't happen because it hurt him too deeply. He's just trying to go back to living a normal life.

So I sit here and feel like I'm breaking up with everybody and everything, so totally and utterly alone. I'm dying to talk to him, but have to stay away. This is seriously the hardest thing I've ever done in my whole life. I feel like a jerk, love seems really far away, and I feel like I've been stripped of all my hopes and dreams.

Of course I have other ones, but they are so unclear!!!!!!!

I just need to focus on keeping the commandments for right now. Stop looking ahead to the freaking future.

I've been relying a lot on my Arab sisters. These girls will always remain my friends, throughout my life. I love them deeply.

Tomorrow is my last Sabbath!!!

Worlds Apart - Bruce Springsteen, The Rising (2002)

I broke up with Malek.

WORLDS APART

I hold you in my arms, yeah that's when it starts
I seek faith in your kiss, and comfort in your heart
I taste the seed upon your lips, lay my tongue upon your scars
But when I look into your eyes, we stand worlds apart

Where the distant oceans sing, and rise to the plain
In this dry and troubled country, your beauty remains
Down from the mountain roads, where the highway rolls to dark
'Neath Allah's blessed rain, we remain worlds apart

Sometimes the trust just ain't enough
Or it's too much in times like this
Let's throw the truth away, we'll find it in this kiss
In your skin upon my skin, in the beating of our hearts
May the living let us in, before the dead tear us apart

We'll let blood build a bridge, over mountains draped in stars
I'll meet you on the ridge, between these worlds apart
We've got this moment now to live, then it's all just dust and dark
Let love give what it gives
Let's let love gives what it gives

After we die, it's not all just dust and dark, and I can't marry him. We are literally worlds apart. We've joked before about how in order to love each other completely we would have to go to the moon to do it. That's not very far from the truth.

So this was the hardest thing I have done in my life so far, but it was pretty much inevitable.

I really love him, but we are worlds apart...sorry Bruce, I have to think of my family...

"Is Your Girlfriend a Virgin?"

Malek told me the other day that when his friends find out he's dating an American, pretty much the first thing they want to know is, "Is she a virgin?"

(speaking arabic)
"And how do you answer them!?!?!"
"I say it's none of your freaking business!!!!"
"Well, GOOD!"
"Seriously, I can't believe how stupid they are. I mean, I don't care if their girlfriends are virgins or not, I don't ever ask them! Why should they ask about you? I tell them that she's very religious, she's Mormon, and it's the same as in Islam - it's against their religion to sleep with somebody before they're married. They don't believe me, but I don't blame them. I mean, pretty much none of them have ever heard about Mormons before."

My muslim boyfriend is spreading the gospel. Funny.

You will probably ask this, especially after I just posted my very personal feelings about marriage and my future and the importance of me marrying in the temple - so Why Are You Dating A Muslim?

Here are the top ten reasons why I am dating Malak Al-Hamdan:

10. Living here for 3+ months, I've been somewhat brainwashed, and so just the act of latching on to something familiar that cares about me feels comforting and calming.
9. This experience is rich and full. I really know what it's like to be a girl in Jordanian society.
8. not to mention super FUN
7. He's a good Arabic teacher.
6. He's smart. You'd think that because neither of us is super fluent in the other's language, the conversations would be stuck on boring subjects. Not so - the language is not a barrier, it's actually more like...having to stop to explain things in depth is like adding a microscope to your conversation. It lets you see your own ideas in a new way. He's always opening my mind to new ideas and new things.
5. He is NORMAL. Like, he doesn't think Jews have tails, and he mocks the lack of political freedom that exists in this part of the world.
4. He respects me. He hasn't and would never put me in a place where I am uncomfortable.
3. He's clean. We have same moral standards.
2. He is honest.
1. I prayed about it, and felt calm and good about it.

I have been very open and honest with him about the fact that I can't marry him. I don't want to lead him on, it's real what we've got, and it's definitely been a good experience for me. I am happy that we live in a society where physical contact is a social taboo. I enjoy him as a close friend, and want to stay friends even after I leave. He's made a big impact on my life, taught me a LOT, and this has been a good, positive, fun experience.

The truth is that I need to deer bali 3la hali and stay as far from the edge of the cliff as possible. As of now, I'm about in the middle of the road. Maybe it would be smart to get closer to the side far away from the edge.

أحبيني - Kathem Issahir

.

طيورك يا بحر تغازلها وتشرب من أيداها و أمواجك تركض فرحانة و تبوس رجليها.

و أنا مثلك يا بحر معجب جدا بيها.

يا صاحبة الجسد الخمري رمل البحر أدفا أو صدري من عمري لعمرك يا عمري أنتي تمني و بس.

يا صاحبة الجسد الخمري رمل البحر أدفا أو صدري من عمري لعمرك يا عمري أنتي تمني و بس.

فرشت رمل البحر و نامت و تغطت بالشمس و صارت مثل النار أعصابي ايمتا الحلوة تحس .

طيورك يا بحر تغازلها وتشرب من أيداها و أمواجك تركض فرحانة و تبوس رجليها.

و أنا مثلك يا بحر ميت جدا بيها.

أحبيني بلا عقد و ضيعي في خطوط يدي, أحبيني لأسبوع ,لأيام, لساعاتنا.

أحبيني بلا عقد و ضيعي في خطوط يدي.

تعالي و سقط مطرا على عطشي و صحرائي و ذوبي في فمي كالشمع و انع جني بأجزائي.

تعالي و سقط مطرا على عطشي و صحرائي و ذوبي في فمي كالشمع و انع جني بأجزائي

أحبيني بلا عقد و ضيعي في خطوط يدي.

أحبيني بطهري أو بأخطائي, أحبيني بطهري أو بأخطائي.

وغطيني أيا سقفا من الأزهار يا غابات حنائي.

أنا رجل بلا قدر فكوني لي قدري.

أحبيني بلا عقد و ضيعي في خطوط يدي.

أحبيني ولا تسألي كيف ولا تتلعثمي خجلا ولا تساقطي خوفا.

أحبيني, أحبيني, أحبيني.

كون البحر و الميناء كوني الأرض و المنفى كوني الصحو والإعصار كوني اللين و العنف.

أحبيني معذبتي و ذوبي في الهوى مثلي كما شئت.

أحبيني بعيدا عن بلاد القهر و الكبت بعيد عن مدينينا التي شبعت الموت.

أحبيني بلا عقد و ضيعي في خطوط يدي

أحبيني