LAST DAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYY

I went to school today completely gorgeous. I felt like a million dollars, or a million and a half JD's, and who knows how many Syrian lira?

Took my written test at the same table that I took the placement test what feels like years ago. Except this time, I knew how to read.

True, I didn't know a very large percentage of the words, but I totally read it, and understood the general structure of things. YESSSSS!!!

Man, I dunno. Something...my personality? My silliness? I just am very very very outgoing. I don't know if it's sometimes a curse; usually I see it as something very positive in my life. Today it was, it gave me the ability to gather all of the people in the Language Center and have us take a picture together.

Omar and Hala, my teachers
Nagihan, Aisha, Jahid, Bara, Me - Level III'ers
Pina, Ali, and Saed Ahmed - Level I'ers

It was really good.

Then I said goodbye to Ayhem, and met with Malek for the last time.

Which was really painful, I'm not going to lie. All the DTR-ing (Defining The Relationship-ing) we've done this last week has really made me want to vomit. It's so unsatisfying. I just want to scream.

Later, when I got home, I listened to a tape that I recorded a few weeks ago. The part with his voice was less than a minute long, and the interview made little to no sense because I cut out my questions and then turned it back on again and again and again, but it was probably a very bad decision to listen to this tape. Just hearing his voice talk to me like that - it was so happy. These past few days, talking to him has been like talking to someone else. Today, I realized that even were I to beg for him to be back with me, it wouldn't happen because it hurt him too deeply. He's just trying to go back to living a normal life.

So I sit here and feel like I'm breaking up with everybody and everything, so totally and utterly alone. I'm dying to talk to him, but have to stay away. This is seriously the hardest thing I've ever done in my whole life. I feel like a jerk, love seems really far away, and I feel like I've been stripped of all my hopes and dreams.

Of course I have other ones, but they are so unclear!!!!!!!

I just need to focus on keeping the commandments for right now. Stop looking ahead to the freaking future.

I've been relying a lot on my Arab sisters. These girls will always remain my friends, throughout my life. I love them deeply.

Tomorrow is my last Sabbath!!!

Plans

Well, so my plans have somewhat changed. I'm going to take my final exam a week early, and head off to Lebanon by plane, and then to Egypt. I decided to hook up with an LDS group to tour Egypt and Israel. That's kind of exciting.

Two days ago, I called my friends 7ana and M7ammad, friends from BYU from two years ago. I haven't talked to them for about nine months. It was the best feeling in the world to have them exclaim, "You talk like a Jordanian!" "Your accent!" "I don't know who I'm talking to!" - or just to have them respond to me in Arabic instead of English. "Selim a'alelkol," "wala hemak." It's something small, but it's important to me.

Something else that was important about that: it helped me remember that I can be involved in the Arab community back at BYU. That when I leave this place, it's not khalas to my Arabic. I'm going to go a long way with this.

However, I have come to realize something very important. Arabic is not the most important thing. Eternal life and marrying in the temple: that is the MOST important thing in my life. Everything else is secondary to this.

So before I came out here, my father gave me a priesthood blessing. In it, it said that I would experience some things that would be unendurable for others, but because of my personality, I would be able to succeed, even enjoy some of them.

That has definitely happened, in every single sector of my life here. I could name about 15 specific difficult life experiences that I've had since being here.

One thing that I've realized from my experiences is that probably my biggest flaw is lack of patience. I need to be more patient. I need to have more faith that there is a plan for me, and I need to WAIT.

Yesterday in F&T Sacrament meeting, Sama said, "I just want to shout from the rooftops that I am a daughter of God! I am a princess, because I am a daughter of the King of Kings!"

The faith of these people here is contagious, and has forever changed my life. I am not the same little girl who left Massachusetts 3 months ago. Growing up, changing, making mistakes, changing, finding out what is real, what is not, what my priorities are.

I am so grateful for my good parents and friends, both American and Arab. I don't have enough good things to say about the family I am staying with.

One of my big flaws is always looking towards the future. I decided that's not a good thing for my anxiety-prone personality. When I start worrying about the future - I mean, it's good to think ahead, but not to LIVE ahead, and that's what I tend to do often - I am going to put a hymn in my head. Instead of focusing on the endless possibilities that lie ahead of me, I am going to focus on keeping the commandments today. You know? I think that's a much better solution.

Sometimes I can be such a freaking idiot.

I don't know. Sometimes I make the dumbest mistakes ever.

"You have a lot going for you, Kate. You have an outgoing personality, you are forthright with your words, and you are beautiful."

Arabic:
"You speak Ammiya better than they speak FusHa."

About me teaching foreign languages in general:
"It really helps if you have some personal charisma so I think you'd be good at it."

I make mistakes. BLEAUGH.

Random fact:
The pharmacies in Jordan only sell 2 antibiotics. That's not very good for the inhabitants of this country. They will develop an immunity and the antibiotics will be totally worthless, if it's not already like that.

"Is Your Girlfriend a Virgin?"

Malek told me the other day that when his friends find out he's dating an American, pretty much the first thing they want to know is, "Is she a virgin?"

(speaking arabic)
"And how do you answer them!?!?!"
"I say it's none of your freaking business!!!!"
"Well, GOOD!"
"Seriously, I can't believe how stupid they are. I mean, I don't care if their girlfriends are virgins or not, I don't ever ask them! Why should they ask about you? I tell them that she's very religious, she's Mormon, and it's the same as in Islam - it's against their religion to sleep with somebody before they're married. They don't believe me, but I don't blame them. I mean, pretty much none of them have ever heard about Mormons before."

My muslim boyfriend is spreading the gospel. Funny.

You will probably ask this, especially after I just posted my very personal feelings about marriage and my future and the importance of me marrying in the temple - so Why Are You Dating A Muslim?

Here are the top ten reasons why I am dating Malak Al-Hamdan:

10. Living here for 3+ months, I've been somewhat brainwashed, and so just the act of latching on to something familiar that cares about me feels comforting and calming.
9. This experience is rich and full. I really know what it's like to be a girl in Jordanian society.
8. not to mention super FUN
7. He's a good Arabic teacher.
6. He's smart. You'd think that because neither of us is super fluent in the other's language, the conversations would be stuck on boring subjects. Not so - the language is not a barrier, it's actually more like...having to stop to explain things in depth is like adding a microscope to your conversation. It lets you see your own ideas in a new way. He's always opening my mind to new ideas and new things.
5. He is NORMAL. Like, he doesn't think Jews have tails, and he mocks the lack of political freedom that exists in this part of the world.
4. He respects me. He hasn't and would never put me in a place where I am uncomfortable.
3. He's clean. We have same moral standards.
2. He is honest.
1. I prayed about it, and felt calm and good about it.

I have been very open and honest with him about the fact that I can't marry him. I don't want to lead him on, it's real what we've got, and it's definitely been a good experience for me. I am happy that we live in a society where physical contact is a social taboo. I enjoy him as a close friend, and want to stay friends even after I leave. He's made a big impact on my life, taught me a LOT, and this has been a good, positive, fun experience.

The truth is that I need to deer bali 3la hali and stay as far from the edge of the cliff as possible. As of now, I'm about in the middle of the road. Maybe it would be smart to get closer to the side far away from the edge.